Jesus, Lover of My Soul

Judging from the content, I wrote this piece sometime between September of 2003 and June of 2004.  Jason and I are now married :) 

While listening to the song "(Everything I do) I Do It For You" for the credits of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves I was thinking how sweet and romantic they were. And how highly improbable and impractical they were, especially considering society today. Then the thought came that they were very powerful words if given the perspective of Christ on the cross. Such lines as, “Don’t tell me it’s not worth dying for.” His disciples told him he didn’t have to die, that they would fight to make him a living king. And perhaps, in times alone, Satan whispered to him, “These humans aren’t worth your death. They will scorn you, betray you, refuse you: they will always cause you pain.” But in taking to the cross Jesus told everyone that it was worth dying for and they should not tell him otherwise. Another line in the song says, “Take me as I am, take my life. I would give it up I would sacrifice.” Not many in this world are willing to make sacrifices either through death, or just through how they live their lives. Our world has become increasingly self-seeking. Yet Christ gave up his life in heaven for life here on earth, then went further and gave up his life through death. The last line for the chorus says, “You know it’s true everything I do, I do it for you.” God created the earth, and gave it to man. He ordered history for the benefit of His people, Israel, either to bless or discipline, but always to grow them. And Christ died for us, to save us from our sins. Everything has been for us: broken, sinful, and rebellious though we are. Excepting one or two lines, Jesus could sing this love song to us. And for me that is decidedly strange.

For me, the idea of God as a lover has always been an uncomfortable one. Indecent somehow. Friend is good, and Comforter, Guide, Savior, Shepherd, and the one I tend to use most, Father. All of those I can feel comfortable with, but Lover? Perhaps my ideas are tainted by this world’s idea of love, or perhaps it is my own exceeding modesty. It is not an attitude I have gotten from tradition, or even a contemporary notion. The hymn, “Jesus, Lover of My Soul” by Charles Wesley dates to the 1700’s and speaks of comfort and support, which I do not doubt lovers give each other, as well as salvation and grace, which come from God. A more contemporary chorus of the same name says Jesus has taken us from miry clay and set us upon a rock, so we know that we need him. But the idea of God as lover did not originate with these songwriters. Isaiah 62:5 tells us, “as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.” (NIV) The New Testament often refers to Christ as the bridegroom and the redeemed as His bride. Somewhere I personally have strayed from this concept of God. But I am learning.

As of about March 2002 I have been having a totally new experience. At that time Jason and I began dating, and up until that time I had never dated before. So I was just as squeamish about any notions of dating as I was about considering God to be a lover. I mean, good grief – the poor boy even had to be patient enough to let me take time getting comfortable with holding hands! Since then our relationship has been deepening and I’ve been learning to see it as a faint parallel of God’s love.

Sometimes I annoy Jason. In fact the night before he proposed I pestered him about something and made him grouchy. It never has made him love me less though, and it didn’t even change his plans to marry me. Often times I do things to anger and sadden God. Just basic disobedience, but it takes many forms. However, He has never stopped loving me. He never stopped loving Israel even though they turned to idols in the face of His miraculous demonstrations of love. A true lover will never stop loving his beloved, despite differences.

Jason is a touchy-feely person: he likes to be near me. He likes to walk with me, hold hands, hug me, cuddle me, and amazingly, I like it too. The book of James says, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” (4:8, NKJV) God Himself walked in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. Jesus often touched people as He ministered. In teaching people to have personal devotions or daily quiet times we say that they should spend time with God just like with any other friend because He wants to spend time with us: to be with us. A true lover loves to be near, be with, his beloved.

Then there are times when I just can’t look at Jason because he has this certain look in his eyes. It is a look I cannot really explain. The best I can say is that it says he loves me and I am more precious to him than anything this world can offer. For me this means a lot because I have never been very confident in myself, so I don’t understand how someone could love me like that. In the face of things that I consider blemishes, faults, or undesirables, Jason says he doesn’t care about that, but that he can see God in me. He sees what I see, but he sees it through God’s love. It is a love that overwhelms me, even to the point of tears. So when I stand before God, what will happen to me? Because if Jason, human and fallible, can love me that much, how much more does God love me? And if Jason’s look can make me feel that way, what will God’s look do to me? I think I will just fall flat on my face and try to hide in the face of that love. However, that love, though I cannot see God's eyes to find it there, is with me even today. Despite the things I think I have done, the scars of past hurts and failures, the things that I would say make me undesirable to the perfect King of All, despite these things He loves me. He sees me as I am, sees what I see and probably more, but He does not desert me. One of my favorite verses says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Heb 13:5, NKJV) A true lover sees his beloved completely and loves her completely.

For all he sees my faults and annoyances, Jason will call me on things I shouldn’t do. He also encourages me in the things I try to do. Though it was early in our relationship and though it took me far away, Jason fully supported my year in Chicago. When I would get homesick or discouraged he would listen to my complaints, then remind me that I was there for God and to do His will. He encourages me to stretch and grow. God loves us as we are, and takes us wherever we are at. We do not have to clean ourselves up to come to Him. But He does desire the best for us: He desires to clean us, purify us, and mold us in His image. He desires that we grow to be more like Christ. He gladly listens to whatever we have to say, complaints, sorrows, joys, failures, then He encourages us to focus on Him and reach towards Him. A true lover desires his beloved to be her best.

Lovers are perhaps most well known for intimacy and passion: two things that scare me, and perhaps are the root of my discomfort with the term. Intimacy is hard because it requires trust: letting someone in where no one else has gone. Often it is reserved only for referring to physical intimacy. But intimacy comes in what we say, and how we feel as well. Scary though it was, I have told Jason things about myself that no one else knows. And though it opens me to hurt, also scary, I have become emotionally attached to him more than anyone else. God desires intimacy with us. He wants our trust, He wants our hearts, He wants our secrets. He wants to share every aspect of our lives. He also wants to share Himself with us: intimacy goes both ways. Passion disturbs me because I think of it as such a strong, overpowering emotion, and I don’t consider myself a passionate person. But a friend pointed out to me that it can just be our focus, what we are most concerned about. In which case I suppose I am passionate about Jason: I certainly think about him more than is probably good for me. And I like to make him happy. God is certainly passionate about His creation: us. After all, as the song from Robin Hood said, everything was done for us: creation and salvation. A true lover shares all with his beloved and is focused on her.

Though the idea of God as Lover is difficult for me to comprehend, the idea of God being love has always fascinated me (I John 4:16, NIV). It seems that anything that is purely love must have a piece of God in it if He is love itself. It therefore intrigues me to see how anything referring to love, such as love songs, has echoes of God. This seems to be mankind’s way of seeking to fill in for that love they miss when they reject God and His gift. Countless men and women seek out what have come to be called, “lovers,” thus twisting an image of God. But we can still find the pure image by looking through scriptures and by looking at the examples of the faithful love of men and women committed to God. Men and women who are lovers in the true sense of the word: to their spouses, but also to the body of Christ, and to the lost. For we are called to live as Christ among the world. To love in spite of rejection and differences, to give of our time to be with others, to see blemishes without letting them replace the person, to encourage others to growth, to set an example of openness and trust, to have a passion for what God is passionate about: people. Not an easy thing, but God loves us, despite our failures and difficulties, and encourages us to grow in this area, providing the lessons, and giving of His passion as we ask.

Jeremiah 31:3 (NKJV)
“The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying: ‘Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.’”