Jesus, Lover of My Soul

Judging from the content, I wrote this piece sometime between September of 2003 and June of 2004.  Jason and I are now married :) 

While listening to the song "(Everything I do) I Do It For You" for the credits of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves I was thinking how sweet and romantic they were. And how highly improbable and impractical they were, especially considering society today. Then the thought came that they were very powerful words if given the perspective of Christ on the cross. Such lines as, “Don’t tell me it’s not worth dying for.” His disciples told him he didn’t have to die, that they would fight to make him a living king. And perhaps, in times alone, Satan whispered to him, “These humans aren’t worth your death. They will scorn you, betray you, refuse you: they will always cause you pain.” But in taking to the cross Jesus told everyone that it was worth dying for and they should not tell him otherwise. Another line in the song says, “Take me as I am, take my life. I would give it up I would sacrifice.” Not many in this world are willing to make sacrifices either through death, or just through how they live their lives. Our world has become increasingly self-seeking. Yet Christ gave up his life in heaven for life here on earth, then went further and gave up his life through death. The last line for the chorus says, “You know it’s true everything I do, I do it for you.” God created the earth, and gave it to man. He ordered history for the benefit of His people, Israel, either to bless or discipline, but always to grow them. And Christ died for us, to save us from our sins. Everything has been for us: broken, sinful, and rebellious though we are. Excepting one or two lines, Jesus could sing this love song to us. And for me that is decidedly strange.

For me, the idea of God as a lover has always been an uncomfortable one. Indecent somehow. Friend is good, and Comforter, Guide, Savior, Shepherd, and the one I tend to use most, Father. All of those I can feel comfortable with, but Lover? Perhaps my ideas are tainted by this world’s idea of love, or perhaps it is my own exceeding modesty. It is not an attitude I have gotten from tradition, or even a contemporary notion. The hymn, “Jesus, Lover of My Soul” by Charles Wesley dates to the 1700’s and speaks of comfort and support, which I do not doubt lovers give each other, as well as salvation and grace, which come from God. A more contemporary chorus of the same name says Jesus has taken us from miry clay and set us upon a rock, so we know that we need him. But the idea of God as lover did not originate with these songwriters. Isaiah 62:5 tells us, “as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.” (NIV) The New Testament often refers to Christ as the bridegroom and the redeemed as His bride. Somewhere I personally have strayed from this concept of God. But I am learning.

As of about March 2002 I have been having a totally new experience. At that time Jason and I began dating, and up until that time I had never dated before. So I was just as squeamish about any notions of dating as I was about considering God to be a lover. I mean, good grief – the poor boy even had to be patient enough to let me take time getting comfortable with holding hands! Since then our relationship has been deepening and I’ve been learning to see it as a faint parallel of God’s love.

Sometimes I annoy Jason. In fact the night before he proposed I pestered him about something and made him grouchy. It never has made him love me less though, and it didn’t even change his plans to marry me. Often times I do things to anger and sadden God. Just basic disobedience, but it takes many forms. However, He has never stopped loving me. He never stopped loving Israel even though they turned to idols in the face of His miraculous demonstrations of love. A true lover will never stop loving his beloved, despite differences.

Jason is a touchy-feely person: he likes to be near me. He likes to walk with me, hold hands, hug me, cuddle me, and amazingly, I like it too. The book of James says, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” (4:8, NKJV) God Himself walked in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. Jesus often touched people as He ministered. In teaching people to have personal devotions or daily quiet times we say that they should spend time with God just like with any other friend because He wants to spend time with us: to be with us. A true lover loves to be near, be with, his beloved.

Then there are times when I just can’t look at Jason because he has this certain look in his eyes. It is a look I cannot really explain. The best I can say is that it says he loves me and I am more precious to him than anything this world can offer. For me this means a lot because I have never been very confident in myself, so I don’t understand how someone could love me like that. In the face of things that I consider blemishes, faults, or undesirables, Jason says he doesn’t care about that, but that he can see God in me. He sees what I see, but he sees it through God’s love. It is a love that overwhelms me, even to the point of tears. So when I stand before God, what will happen to me? Because if Jason, human and fallible, can love me that much, how much more does God love me? And if Jason’s look can make me feel that way, what will God’s look do to me? I think I will just fall flat on my face and try to hide in the face of that love. However, that love, though I cannot see God's eyes to find it there, is with me even today. Despite the things I think I have done, the scars of past hurts and failures, the things that I would say make me undesirable to the perfect King of All, despite these things He loves me. He sees me as I am, sees what I see and probably more, but He does not desert me. One of my favorite verses says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Heb 13:5, NKJV) A true lover sees his beloved completely and loves her completely.

For all he sees my faults and annoyances, Jason will call me on things I shouldn’t do. He also encourages me in the things I try to do. Though it was early in our relationship and though it took me far away, Jason fully supported my year in Chicago. When I would get homesick or discouraged he would listen to my complaints, then remind me that I was there for God and to do His will. He encourages me to stretch and grow. God loves us as we are, and takes us wherever we are at. We do not have to clean ourselves up to come to Him. But He does desire the best for us: He desires to clean us, purify us, and mold us in His image. He desires that we grow to be more like Christ. He gladly listens to whatever we have to say, complaints, sorrows, joys, failures, then He encourages us to focus on Him and reach towards Him. A true lover desires his beloved to be her best.

Lovers are perhaps most well known for intimacy and passion: two things that scare me, and perhaps are the root of my discomfort with the term. Intimacy is hard because it requires trust: letting someone in where no one else has gone. Often it is reserved only for referring to physical intimacy. But intimacy comes in what we say, and how we feel as well. Scary though it was, I have told Jason things about myself that no one else knows. And though it opens me to hurt, also scary, I have become emotionally attached to him more than anyone else. God desires intimacy with us. He wants our trust, He wants our hearts, He wants our secrets. He wants to share every aspect of our lives. He also wants to share Himself with us: intimacy goes both ways. Passion disturbs me because I think of it as such a strong, overpowering emotion, and I don’t consider myself a passionate person. But a friend pointed out to me that it can just be our focus, what we are most concerned about. In which case I suppose I am passionate about Jason: I certainly think about him more than is probably good for me. And I like to make him happy. God is certainly passionate about His creation: us. After all, as the song from Robin Hood said, everything was done for us: creation and salvation. A true lover shares all with his beloved and is focused on her.

Though the idea of God as Lover is difficult for me to comprehend, the idea of God being love has always fascinated me (I John 4:16, NIV). It seems that anything that is purely love must have a piece of God in it if He is love itself. It therefore intrigues me to see how anything referring to love, such as love songs, has echoes of God. This seems to be mankind’s way of seeking to fill in for that love they miss when they reject God and His gift. Countless men and women seek out what have come to be called, “lovers,” thus twisting an image of God. But we can still find the pure image by looking through scriptures and by looking at the examples of the faithful love of men and women committed to God. Men and women who are lovers in the true sense of the word: to their spouses, but also to the body of Christ, and to the lost. For we are called to live as Christ among the world. To love in spite of rejection and differences, to give of our time to be with others, to see blemishes without letting them replace the person, to encourage others to growth, to set an example of openness and trust, to have a passion for what God is passionate about: people. Not an easy thing, but God loves us, despite our failures and difficulties, and encourages us to grow in this area, providing the lessons, and giving of His passion as we ask.

Jeremiah 31:3 (NKJV)
“The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying: ‘Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.’”

How To Be A Good Mommy

I was asked to "say something" for my friend's baby shower.  This is what I eventually came up with, edited slightly to reflect it being a blog post.

It is difficult to find original words of parenting advice and encouragement given the vast array of material and personal stories available to moms today. So as I struggled to find something to say this is what came to mind. I call it “How to Be a Good Mommy,” and I’ll start with this three part disclaimer: I don’t know all the answers, I don’t have it all together, and sometimes I feel like a bad mommy.

The truth is most of us at some point feel like a bad mommy. When we’re tired; when we’re grouchy; when we fail to meet the vision of the ideal mother we have in our heads; when we compare ourselves to other moms and measure our kids by their kids. So it’s helpful, I think, to remember that being a good mommy, while not always easy, may be relatively simple. It is in the love, care, and regard we give our children.

Love: The Bible says love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8); I would say it covers a multitude of mommy oopsies. Your child will not remember the time you slept through her crying, or the first time you lost your temper with her, and probably not each and every time you said you loved her or showed her that love. But each act of love, each word of love spoken, builds an environment that allows her to thrive and grow, to trust you and believe in herself. We will all make mistakes but love can heal.

Care: A lot goes into that little word. Care is meeting needs, making sacrifices, doing what is best for your child even when it’s not what they want to do, and even if it’s not what you want to do. Care is the nuts and bolts of everyday life. Physical care, emotional care, and spiritual care. It helps your child grow and develop and reach their full potential.

Regard: Our society has proven that having a child does not make you a parent. Regard is understanding the responsibility you have for your child. It is thought through. It is choice. It is recognizing the trust God has given you to raise this decidedly individual life. It is begun even before the baby is born. Making sure you have the resources to provide for the child, reading to learn how to care for the child, listening to the advice of experienced friends and family and taking said advice with a large grain of salt.

I must admit these are some rather random thoughts that I gathered together as I tried to come up with something to say. As I tried to group my ideas into an organized progression, the groupings reminded me of this: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength (Mark 12:30). God asks us to give Him everything we are. Because being a parent is part of His plan for us, He asks for no less in what we give our children. But the key to being a good mommy is to know that God will provide strength for what he asks. Peace in the middle of chaos, grace to ask for forgiveness, wisdom we do not have, patience in the face of the challenges of growing. Friends to listen, support, advise, and pray. His presence always.

Thank Yous Notes

I bought a package of thank you notes the other day.  The packaging says "10 Thank Yous."  This struck me as funny.  As if you would open the package and hear "Thank you" said in 10 different voices; or have 10 sets of just the words "Thank you" fall into your hand.  Would it have been that difficult to label it "10 Thank You Notes"?  :)

A Penny for Your Thoughts

We have recently become homeowners and have found it necessary to renovate our bathroom.  My husband is doing the work himself (and I'm not above bragging that he's quite good at it :)  He pulled up the stick down linoleum tiles the previous owners had put in crooked.  Under that was some white linoleum he pulled up as well.  And under that he found...this 1954 wheat penny. 

We cannot be certain, but since our house was built in the 1950's we are guessing it may have been there since the house was built.  It's kind of fun to think this may have been dropped as a shiny new penny and it has lain there, hidden, through the comings and goings of five and a half decades, for us to find it.

Still Small Town

Growing up in a small town in Kansas driving was quite different than here in the suburbs of Minneapolis.  In KS cities and towns were separated by decent amounts of space clearly showing where one ended and the next began.  Here in MN I cross a nearby street and am in a different city, but only know it because a sign says so - and there isn't a sign for every small street.  Going to church I take a highway through three cities in the space of 20 minutes.  In KS distance could be measured in times and it would be fairly accurate every time.  If I ever saw heavy traffic it was only around the bigger cities.  And driving to Wal-Mart meant taking back roads, not interstates.

The other day here in MN, I wanted to go to Wal-Mart.  My "local" Wal-Mart had been out of some things I wanted the past couple of times I went.  So I decided to try a different one.  The directions on the Google map were easy enough and the estimated time was 14 minutes.  So I loaded up my two girls - three years old and two months old - and headed off thinking I could be back in about 45 minutes.  The first step was to pick up the nearest interstate going west...away from the Twin Cities...on a Friday afternoon...at 4 o'clock.  I knew it was a bad idea as soon as I reached the on ramp.  14 minutes down the road found me at a standstill looking in the rear window of the car in front of me, still a few miles from my destination. 

While I had still been able to move, I had considered a different route.  I took too long deciding, though, and from a standstill it was impossible to safely get into the swift traffic in the exit lane.  Coming home, towards the Twin Cities, wasn't too bad.  However, my quick and easy trip to Wal-Mart was anything but quick and easy.  Though I did find everything I needed.

Meaning: Light

"In him was life, and that life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."  John 1:4,5
"You are the light of the world.  A city on a hill cannot be hidden."  Matthew 5:14

It is harder for me to trace the why of this theme in my writing than the other two (journey, story).  I'm not aware of a conscious affinity for it in my writing; it just shows up.  Obviously, as in the scriptures above, as well as in many others, it is a common and powerful visual in my faith which I have heard from childhood.  And, of course, it is a staple of fiction separating good from evil.  So perhaps it is just these steady influences that bring it into my writing.

And this concludes the meaning of my blog title; which is, I hope, a glimpse into what makes me who I am.

Meaning: Story

In a music ministry team in college, my friend always opened her testimony saying, "Everyone has a story."  I love that statement and believe that it's true. Stories contain memories, communicate truths, and cross boundaries.  As mentioned in a previous post, I like to know the what and why of things.  I like to know what makes people tick - what has shaped them to be who they are.  This connects to my family in the person of my mother - a natural story teller.  She tells our family's stories.  I will never be as good as she is :)  It is also deeply connected to my faith.  Jesus taught with stories - parables.  And I have heard the Bible described - from Genesis through Revelation - as the complete story of God's love and His redemption of man.  What a story!

Meaning: Journey

Journeying, storytelling, and light are three themes that I have found recurring unintentionally throughout my writing over the years.

I'm not sure why the idea of a journey - travel - appeals to me. Growing up at the edge of a small town I remember daydreaming about where I could go if I followed the road out of town and just kept walking. It is, I think, a sense of wonder; possibility; the unknown waiting to be found. All kinds of things can happen when you go somewhere unknown to you. In fiction it is the possibility that the unknown is limited only by our imagination - where we think of to go is creative and unbounded. In the walk of faith it is caught up in verses like where Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life more abundantly or "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can conceive what God has prepared for those who love Him." Fantastic! He has a plan and a purpose for us (Jeremiah 29:11; Psalm 139). How exciting! A personalized adventure from the One who knows us better than we know ourselves! Talk about a journey!

Meaning: A Place

What I write tends to fall into two categories: middle grade/young adult fiction and what I call essays (for lack of a better term). The former, I think, stems from being an avid reader since childhood. Though I read a variety of things my preference is for fiction and I gravitate towards young adult fiction. Since that is what I like to read that is what I think of to write. The latter originates in my 10th grade English class. We did a section on giving speeches and our teacher was strict. She counted uhs, ums, and fidgets. I hated it! It made me so nervous my hands shook. But somehow, through learning how to do it well, I discovered I liked giving speeches (Thanks, Mrs. Dreiling!) In college I studied pastoral ministry in which I did sermons. I greatly enjoyed adding the aspect of scriptural application to giving speeches. But in college I also learned that the ministry I was called to wasn't pastoral (sermons I could do, administration not so much) but perhaps writing.

Some of my fiction work I am looking into getting published, but now that I am not in school I have no venue for speech-type essay ideas. And they are often things I would like to share and talk about, but am not sure how to slip them into conversations. So this blog is A Place to put things where people can read and comment if they want. It is A Place for me to share whatever - thoughts, opinions, ideas, flights of fancy. Honestly, I don't even know what to expect, but I hope someone (or several someones) will find it interesting enough to come talk with me :)

The meaning of this blog's title

Quirks. We all have them. This post regards a couple of mine. First, I like titles. Often times my writing ideas come in the form of titles or with titles. I will pick up something solely because of an interesting title. I'm quite bothered if something doesn't match or live up to its title. So my quirk here is that one reason (of many) that I haven't done a blog was that I couldn't think of a good title. But when I felt God leading me to do this last Sunday in church I actually came up with two titles. Since they were somewhat connected - at least to me - I combined them and got what you see up top.

My second quirk here is that I like to know the why and what behind everything(apparently so does my 3 year old - serves me right :) So for anyone who might be interested or curious the next few posts explain what is behind my choice of title. I split it into parts so the post wouldn't be super long.

A Week of Warfare

It's been a rather unusual week. First of all, my 2 month old didn't do what I'd come to expect as far as sleeping goes. So I got less sleep than I had been getting (which wasn't enough in the first place :) My 3 year old had her first nightmare which made for a couple of interesting days. What prompted her dreaming her pillow had turned into a bear is beyond me. Between my husband and I there seemed to be a distance - a lack of communication and mutual respect. Then also, some minor health issues acted up. Overall, it's been a very odd week.

Ephesians 6:12 says we are in a struggle against spiritual forces. As funny as it sounds, last Sunday I felt convicted to be doing a blog. Why God would influence me to do a blog I don't know - it could just be for the discipline of writing; perhaps someone will say something I need to hear; maybe there will be words God can use to speak to someone. I'm not so arrogant as to think this will be anything fantastic, profound, or even interesting. And for all I know, nobody else will even care to read it. None the less, I feel it is something I should do. And this week I have not done it. This week I have felt instead discouraged to even try. To me that is spiritual warfare - preventing or discouraging God's purpose and plan.

Granted, I made choices, sometimes poor ones, to do other things besides write. That is my responsibility. But the spiritual warfare comes in fighting the desire to do something besides what God has asked of me: something easier. Which is what has been the over riding feeling from all the odd things of this week. And sad to say, sometimes I have chosen not to write when I could have. Who knows what opportunity has been missed by my choosing not to do what God has asked? However, I am still determined to see this through; I just hope life will someday achieve a shred of regularity.

So, here goes.

I've discovered social networking isn't for me, but I've often thought I'd enjoy a plain blog: no bells and whistles, with this-that-and the other to keep up with. Just a place to share my thoughts and if I'm lucky, to have some conversations too. But I've always put off starting a blog on the grounds I wouldn't keep up with it. However, the sermon in church yesterday(7/12/09) was - in part - about fulfilling the purpose God has for our lives. And I was convicted that avoiding writing a blog was avoiding the purpose I feel God has for my life - to write. Now, mind you, I'm not saying my writing is good, great, wonderful, profound, or anything like that. But I'm always having ideas and writing partial scribbles on scraps of paper. Without a venue to share it, my writing has been incomplete. It's possible, of course, no one will read this. And likely no one will care what or if I write. Perhaps, too, my first thoughts were correct and I will not keep up with it well. However, it feels like a way to be faithful to God's purpose in my life. So - for better or worse - here goes.